Shawn Andrews Still Missing From Philadelphia Eagles Training Camp

What started off as a simple preseason camp has turned into a reign of terror not seen since the 1992 Pat’s Steak Massacre where Vai Sikahema went apeshit and murdered three Pat’s Steaks employees with his trademark goalpost punch. The last thing people heard that night was “Bouillabaisse!” which has confounded detectives to this day.

Today, Shawn Andrews was supposedly seen returning some videotapes to the local Blockbuster at the corner of South and 7th, yet that report hasn’t been confirmed by either fans or authorities. The team has replied with a stern “no comment.” Andrews has been missing in action since April after a team dinner at the all-you-can-eat Fogo de Chao, which is Andrew’s favorite eatery in the city.