Guide to Jumping on the Chicago Cubs Bandwagon
30 Sep
This post was co-wrote by our friends at The Ted Lilly Fan Club
Now, with the Cubs about to start this year’s MLB playoffs, we wanted to take a quick moment to welcome all you new Cubs fans and educate the good folks on how best to attach your fortunes to the Cubs Bandwagon.
First thing’s first: safety is paramount here. If you’re going to jump on the bandwagon, please be sure to watch your footing, grab the handrails for support and look both ways before crossing the street. Seriously, we are not kidding here. Wrigleyville will be the drunk driving capitol of the country this month.
Next, we need you to brush up on some Cubs background information in advance of the playoffs:
Wrigley Field: This one is pretty easy but Wrigley Field is the home of the Cubs and considered a baseball shrine—just be sure to head the tragic tale of NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon who mistakenly called it Wrigley Stadium. But, honestly, we can’t really blame Jeff—guy just turns left all day long.
History: Cubs have a long and storied history. Yes, people have made a lot of news about the 100-year curse, the Billy Goat and Steve Bartman but there are a number of other important historical tidbits to know. An example: Tinkers Evers Chance is NOT a Chicago-based law firm nor the name of your neighbor that graduated from Williams. It actually refers to Joe Tinker, Johnny Evers and Frank Chance who were all part of the Cubs’ World Series winning teams in 1907 and 1908.
Bartman: A failed abortion that single handily ruined our teams chances against the Marlins in 2003. Never, ever, ever, never say his name in the Friendly Confines. If you hear his name this month, think of what it is like to put tin foil in your mouth. Simply make that face, and say nothing. Cubs fans will understand.
We also have a number of traditions and rituals that you should know about before the playoffs start.
First, we throw the ball back onto the field if the opposing team hits a home run so, if John Q Dodger hits a HR and you catch it, don’t take the ball and try to sell it on Craig’s List: LA. Throw it back or we’ll tear your heart out of your listless soul. We’re serious, we’ve recently developed a machine to do this and, yes, it does run on perpetual motion.
Second, Despite the large, quasi-obnoxious Budweiser roof top, we are an Old Style town so be prepared to throw down a few bucks for a quasi-tasty, quasi-not macrobrew. And, no one but creepy old guys who belong on “To Catch a Predator” buy the mai tais at Wrigley.
However, like U.S. Ryder Cup team proved this month, history means a whole lot of nothing (quick note: American Ryder Cup wives were sooooooo much better looking than the Euro counterparts).
Cubs Roster:In this period of globalism, the Chicago Cubs roster reflects the spirit of the world (truth be told, we ripped off that language from Chicago’s application for the 2016 Olympics). We have a French contingent, some Creole mix and representatives from Latin American. We have a mix of old and new; power and style and a wonderful love for the game. The Glue? A Six-Foot Tall Crafty Veteran from Torrance, CA
Celebrity Factor:You’ll see plenty of celebrities at Wrigley this time of year, both good and bad. You see, the Cubs in the playoffs attracts attention hungry B list Chicago quasi native actors/actresses to Wrigley like teenage girls to a Hannah Montana album signing. For the sake of order, if you see Seth Meyer at Wrigley please do not ask him to sign your DVD of Journey to the Center of the Earth. Sorry kids, going to Northwestern doesn’t mean you’re a Chicagoan… looking at you Zach Braff.
But not all celebrity sitings are bad, odds are you’ll see someone like Joe Mantegna or Dennis Franz at the ball park buying a hot dog and old style. Feel free to purchase that for them and tell them you loved Bleacher Bums. As for Eddie Veddar’s new Cubs song? We’re not going to address that yet--we’re still upset at Pearl Jam for their “Binaural” CD…
Wrigleyville Neighborhood: What you need to know about Wrigleyville can be summed up in one word: fratastic. So be sure to bust our your favorite visor or Cubs hat (to be worn backwards), your Sigma Chi Barn Dance T-Shirt and a pair of cut off camo shorts and you’ll fit in fine at any of the local bars like the Cubby Bear, Casey Morans or Murphy’s Bleachers (our pregame fav). Whatever you do, make sure to check out the waitresses at Moe’s Cantina!
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