All-Name Hall of Fame – The Best Athlete Names Ever
23 Sep
Some athletes are truly gifted. They’ve been given speed, agility, and strength that has affixed upon them trait-ascribed nicknames: “Magic” Johnson, Broadway Joe. The Babe. But a rare few athletes are gifted with just the right name at birth. Here at IGN we present the inaugural edition of the All-Name Hall of Fame.
Assol Silvets -- She’s a skier from Belarus. With that name she must be a real jerk.
Prince Octopus Dzanie -- 2008 Olympic boxer from Ghana who happens to be 4′7″. He squirts ink when you punch him.
Jihad Muhammad -- This Cincinnatti basketball player is the bomb.
Atari Bigby -- This safety for the Packers has got an old school game.
Sammy Davis -- This CB for the Bucs didn’t have as nearly as cool an entourage as Mr. Bojangles. Clearly you’re not exactly a star when the first pic Google finds is you as the *other* guy in the highlight.
Mac Speedie -- He was one of the fastest WRs in the AFL and NFL, as well as an NCAA track star in the 1940s.
Windham Rotunda -- If you are a former WWF wrestler who travels a lot and has a kid at 6′5″ 300lbs, it is appropriate to name him after a hotel lobby.
Anna Smashnova -She’s an Israeli tennis player who clearly has a mean serve.
Darius Passmore -- With that name he could only be a WR, or maybe a quarterback in the west coast offense.
Usain Bolt -- I heard he runs fast.
Yourhighness Morgan -- We discovered this gem recently. Don’t forget his brother Handsome, and his cousins Prince & Gorgeous.
Louis Lipps -- Steelers player with no relation to Lisa Lipps or Wendy Whoppers.
Majestic Mapp (& his brother Scientific) -- That’s how you know your parents want you to be explorers.
Chief Kickingstallionsims -- I don’t know how he got this name, but Chief Sitting Bull is jealous.
Irina Slutskaya -- This Russian figure skater shows why she is so popular with the guys.
Jung Bong -- If only Ricky Williams played baseball, he could join this dynamic duo:
Kim Yoo Suk -- It was all good for this 2008 Olympian until they started chanting his name.
Gaylord Perry -- This Gaylord was a pitcher. We don’t know about his favorite catcher.
Dean Windass -- An English footballer who is known for dirty play, Windass is gas powered.
Albert Pujols -- With a stinky name, he’s clearly not the most hygienic player.
Dick Lane -- Night Train Dick Lane was a defensive back, so you know he liked to plug any holes the offense tried to spread.
John David Booty -- The use of 3 names also makes him sound like a serial killer.
Johnny Dickshot -- Baseball player with the name of a porn star, he was nicknamed “Ugly” Johnny because he looked like a male porn star.
Nicky Butt -- As a defensive midfielder for Newcastle Utd, this Butt doesn’t let anything pass.
Dick Trickle -- NASCAR driver who leaks fluid. Here he is standing next to his metaphor:
De’Cody Fagg -- Fagg, also a receiver, hopes to play for his other favorite slur: the Redskins.
Dick Pole -- This former pitcher should probably do ads for Viagra.
Urban Shocker -- Played for the Yankees in the 1920s. Be careful of his fingers.
Gregor Fucka - 7′1″ Yugoslavian basketball player has the nickname Gregor “Uncle” Fucka. Must be a South Park fan.
Peter LaCock -- Another baseball player named like a porn star.
BJ Johnson -- In addition to being named BJ Johnson, he’s another wide receiver. Flash this symbol for some BJ loving.
Ron Tugnutt -- NHL goaltender who couldn’t be jerked around.
Harry Colon -- An NFL defensive back who clearly ate lots of fiber.
Danny Shittu -- Nigerian soccer player in the Premier League. He could still learn some things from Harry Colon.
Rudy Gay -- Basketball player who likes to pound the lane.
Ray Kuntz -- Notre Dame football player with a close shave.
Rusty Kuntz -- Dirtiest name in MLB. Don’t know if he’s related to Ray.
Misty Hyman -- Olympic swimmer who doesn’t let the competition break her.
Lucious Pusey -- Unfortunately this football player had his name legally changed to Lucious Seymour.
Dick Butkus -- Linebacker who was even better than Harry Colon.
God Shammgod -- Do not say the name of this basketball player in vain.
Miroslav Satan -- The day this hockey player gets signed with the New Jersey Devils, I’m getting the jersey.
Yoshie Takeshita -- This Japanese Olympic volleyballer has no (known) connection to tubgirl.
2 Bonus Names from the world of horse racing:
Meet Arrrrrggh, champion stallion of pirates everywhere:
And meet another finely tuned equine specimen, Hoof Hearted:
Honorable Mention:
Chad Ohco Cinco gets half credit since that is now his legal name. Mr. Ocho Cinco misses the cut for the All-Name Hall of Fame because he chose the name for himself and based it on his self-titled nickname.
Chubby Cox gets half credit because even though Chubby is a nickname, it’s damn funny.
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